Inspirational Leadership It’s About Them, Not You

The other day, I was working away in the friendly surroundings of a favorite coffee shop, when I noticed a woman at the next table who seemed to be conducting a job interview. I guess she was listening to the other person – she seemed to be capturing the content of what was said – but her facial expressions seemed almost forbidding. I tried not to hear what was being said (I don’t want to intrude on the privacy of others, even in public)… but it was clear that the “applicant” did not find this woman inspiring. Her responses, over the course of several minutes, showed it.Many of my coaching clients seem to have the same effect on their colleagues, their teams, even their clients. Their questions, and even their comments, may seem supportive in content… but the non-verbals which accompany the content tell a different story. They come across as critical, not appreciative, and that makes inspirational leadership virtually impossible.It seems to me that most people who can’t seem to put forth welcoming, empathetic facial expressions have probably learned somewhere back in their past that they need to look “tough,” or “smart,” or something other than friendly. It was probably a sort of social survival skill they picked up in their formative teen years… and those habits are often hard to break. But if you’re lacking empathy (which is a first step toward being an inspiring leader), consider that your brain might be stuck on an archaic social setting. Looking tough and smart probably served you better when the goal was to get people like teachers (and other high schoolers) to respect you… but it’s not doing much now for your effort to come across as more appreciative of others.How do you fix it? How do you “reprogram” your facial expressions? Some coaches might tell you to spend some time in front of a mirror. That might work… but who wants to do that? Honestly, working with all types of folks from actors to executives, I find that few people can really get good, honest “practice” with facial expressions when they’re the only person from whom they can get feedback. The best way, complex as it may sound, is to role-play live (or video-tape role-plays or real discussions) in front of a coach, or at least some savvy colleagues who have an eye for empathy. Humble yourself, hear their feedback, and work on improving the way you come across.The good news is that you CAN fix it. You can learn to come across with more empathy and appreciation (my clients do it all the time), and it helps everything from hiring great new folks for your business to getting the most detailed and honest input from advisors.The bottom line is this: if you want to inspire someone to give you their best, you have to stop looking and acting like a theater critic and, instead, come across with empathy and appreciation. To do that, you first need the mindset that the discussion should be less about you and more about the other person… and then you need to practice (with good help) to make it happen.To Inspire Others, Put The Focus On Themby Michael D. Hume, M.S.